I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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