did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Randomize
