Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
