2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
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