and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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