I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
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