All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Randomize
