My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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