when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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