"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
