twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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