Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
