Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
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the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
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I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"