my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am