I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Hilbilly word of the day is cedar, example....I knowed she ain\'t got no panties on cuz I cedar cooter.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
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Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
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It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen