the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
