Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
I just found puke in my bra..
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
