He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I enjoy the company of your penis
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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