you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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