Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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