Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
