I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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