My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
