u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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