First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
He better not be in your backpack
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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