we made out on top of his cat.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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