Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
