There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Randomize
