i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
