my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
