i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Randomize
