lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
