Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?