take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
These 17 Parents Decided to Cut Contact With Their Horrible Kids
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive