The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
