When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
