I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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