I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
