bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
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