Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Randomize
