Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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