It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Randomize
