i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
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