Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
