Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Randomize
