cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
