When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
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just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
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this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
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