I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Randomize
