Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
