instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
