Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
