OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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