You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
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