I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
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