My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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