When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
