chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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