grandma shit on top of the toilet
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
