he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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