i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
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